Ironically, the day after Mother’s Day has been so much harder than Mother’s Day for me. I feel debilitated by sadness. Grief is absolutely exhausting. I start to cry but feel too tired to let it all out. Too tired to let this wave of sadness wash over me. I can’t handle it right now. Maybe later.
I see another mom with the same exact diaper bag I got to use with Teddy at lunch. Another couple with a very young baby in an infant carseat. Charley is very interested in this baby and asks where the baby went when they sat down with their food. It’s very loud and suddenly I’m feeling so hot and uncomfortable and overwhelmed. We change plans and take our food to go. This is too much.
Teddy’s urn arrived in the mail today. I haven’t been able to open it yet. I wait for Ben to get home before attempting that. My breast milk necklace also arrived today (I’m still amazed at the beautiful jewelry people can make out of breast milk!) and it’s perfect, but I haven’t been able to put it on yet. It’s just too much.
I miss Teddy so much. Each day feels like he’s farther away. I want him back. But now his urn has arrived and we need to get his remains from the funeral home. Maybe it’ll help to have his ashes close. Maybe it won’t.
I don’t feel so tough today.
So I will focus on small tasks and just take one step, then another, and another. I will drink water and lots of my “Gratitude” tea. I will hug Charley. I will go for a walk outside. I will breathe. And I will remember that Teddy and I have a special bond that is unbreakable; somehow, he is always with me.